What is Confidence?

What is Confidence?
Almost all of us will feel a lack of confidence at some stage in our lives. It's a real and very human worry.  Animals don't seem to have this doubt. It's unlikely that a leopard gets up in the morning asking, 'Am I a good leopard or a bad leopard?' Unless they sense an immediate threat, they just go, 'I'm a leopard!' Join us for this fun episode where we discuss what confidence looks and sounds like from a human point of view. And how we can start to build our confidence - even when we might not totally feel it?!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome to the Art of Communication Podcast with me, Robin Kermode. Have you ever wished you could become a confident speaker or presenter? Then why not join my online masterclass? Speak so your audience will listen. In 10 easy to follow modules, you can become a confident and authentic speaker.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

For more information, visit robinkermode.com.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Hello, this is Sianne Hansen, and welcome to the Art of Communication podcast. I'm here with Robin Kermode. Hello. I've always thought unconfident people speak too much. They overly justify, they overly try to prove, or they become defensive in some way. So when we're getting up on stage or when we have to make a speech of any kind, whether it's now on a Zoom or what is it that actually makes us so nervous about doing it?

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Well, I suppose it's about being scared.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

What's the worst thing that could happen? The worst thing is that we forget our lines, we go blank, we shake, the audience sees that we're nervous, that we vomit or something like that. I suppose ultimately we faint. But the fear, I suppose, really is about the audience thinking you're not well informed enough, you're not intelligent enough, you're foolish in some way. We don't want to look foolish, we want to look assured. A client said to me a few years ago, do you know, if we watch people walking up and down, the two of us here at this coffee shop and we watch these people, we would both agree. We think that person looks confident and that person doesn't. What are they doing? So I ask, what does a confident person look like physically?

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Oh, you know, that's so hard for me to be able to answer because when I watch people, I'm constantly looking at a reflection of myself. It's very rare that I can judge somebody without a lot of other distractions.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

It's interesting when you say it's a reflection of yourself. What it is is we spot in other people the things we feel in ourselves. Yes. So when we see somebody being arrogant, we go, I've done that, or I have done that in the past. Or I see somebody looking a bit nervous, well, I'm sure I felt like that. So we only notice it because we can recognize it in ourselves that we have at some stage been like that, or we've seen friends in that situation. But I said to him, All these people walking up and down here, they're doing different things. Some people are walking fast, some slow, some with their head up, some with their head down. But the common denominator between all these things, and this is what makes somebody look confident, is confident people have a low center of gravity.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Oh, what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 2:30

If you think of all martial arts like Tai Chi, these kind of things, it's all about having a strong core. So the core is below your belly button, the lower gut. So if you talk about gym work, ballet dancers would have it as well. So it's about having this low center. When the center rises and we get nervous, then we end up with a higher center, and the high center then is somewhere in between the sternum and the throat. And that tends to make people speak a bit lighter, a bit faster, like the school child in front of the headteacher again. So hello, I've come for this job interview. I'm really, really good, and and and then you find yourself um talking too fast and saying too much. And we kind of want to go lower and slower, feels more confident.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

So you slow down, you say less.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Well, I think you say it once and stop talking. Rather than saying, yes, I can do this job because I'm really interested in your company. I love what you do, I think it's a really good fit. But a less confident person would go, so I've really seen your company, and you're fantastic and really, really good. And I've looked at all the websites and everything else. And in fact, and me, it's a good fit because I I've done lots of things very similar to what you're doing. Can I give you 15 people you can ring?

SPEAKER_02 3:34

I'm laughing because I've done that.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Well, no, no, I've done that. And I look at myself through the lens of my memory and I look back at myself as a young actor. I must have been a nightmare, just you know, overly proving. And actually, of course, as you get older, you hopefully prove less. Not that you care less, but you just think I'm kind of okay.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

The other side of the coin of confidence is dealing with failure. Because when I have to look at a failure, something that I've failed to do well enough, or I haven't had the result that I wanted, then my feeling of confidence can ebb away really quickly. So do you have any top tips just on how you deal with a failure?

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Well, it's rather like falling off a horse, isn't it? They always say you should get back on the horse straight away. And if you don't, then it becomes a big issue. So, well, the last time I made a presentation, it all went wrong, or my boss told me I was rubbish. Or the last time I went on an aeroplane, I had this awful feeling, therefore I won't get on a plane again. All these things can come back and destabilize us. So how do we get back in the saddle? Well, the more you do it, the easier it gets. I don't feel nearly as nervous as I did the first time. I remember the very first time I ever stood up in front of an audience. I was teaching a drama class actually, and I thought, why would these people want to listen to me? Why? And then I stood back and I thought, well, I have been doing this for 30 years, and maybe I have some knowledge, but I still felt incredibly vulnerable. So I think in terms of communication, you know, we do feel that we lack confidence at all sorts of stages in our lives, and there's no doubt that the more you do it, the easier it gets.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

So if there was a failure, it's just know that it was a one-off moment, go back into the fray, do it again.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Well, of course, there's the apocryphal story of Winston Churchill fainting on his maiden speech in the House of Commons. Now, whether that actually happened or not, I don't know, but it's symbolic of how even great people, whether they're singers or sports people, whatever, they've all had failures.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

I remember when I was giving a small presentation to a school, and this young 13-year-old girl said to me, I just can never get up on stage and do it. And I didn't really know the tools to give her, to give her the confidence.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

I think there are some physical tools and there are some mental and emotional tools. If we started on the physical, the fear, of course, is from the visible signs of what an audience sees. So they see us shaking, they see us looking nervous, they see us blushing, they see us going too fast and all the fight or flight responses. So, of course, the body is preparing you to run. Well, you can't run because you're having to give a speech or go for this job interview. So we have to find physical ways to suddenly make us feel more grounded again. There are a couple of simple things that I think work really well. And the first one, we talked about this, I think, in another podcast, is the hands in prayer position.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

How do you make your voice?

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Because it does release your voice, but it's also a very good one when you're about to give a speech or go for an interview. You probably don't want to do it in front of other people, but it's it's not too embarrassing, but it might look a bit odd. So basically, like in a prayer position, you put your palms together with your fingers pointing upwards and your forearms are parallel to the floor. What you're gonna do is you're gonna take it one breath in and then push the hands together.

SPEAKER_02 6:33

Yeah, he's doing it right now. He looks a bit odd.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Yeah, you don't want to do that in front of other people. But basically, by pushing in, you're causing tension in your shoulders and the muscles in your upper arm, and you're using up some of the adrenaline, the excess adrenaline that's in the muscles. If you don't use it up, it's gonna make you shake. So by squeezing this together, you're getting rid of some of the excess adrenaline. And the good thing, of course, by doing that is the subconscious brain is asking you to move the muscles to run. So if the subconscious brain feels you moving muscles, then it stops producing adrenaline and the whole cycle stops. Another thing you can do is to push a wall, but it's the same idea. So you stand about an arm's distance away from a wall, solid wall. This is not a partitioned wall, solid wall.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

I want to push something over.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

And you can take a big breath in and push the wall as hard as you can. So the wall is taking all your tension, and when you stop, all the muscles feel more relaxed, and also your voice is freer as well, so you sound more confident.

SPEAKER_02 7:25

So if those are the physical tools that you can do.

SPEAKER_01 7:27

Those are sort of instant tools.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

Those are the instant tools. I think I think it's also prep, you know. When I go up to make some sort of speech or presentation, or I have to communicate anything, I have written it down, I know what I'm going to say, I've rehearsed it, you know, I anticipate frequently asked questions. But sometimes I think I over-prepare.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Well, the only reason you would say you would over-prepare is if it feels stilted. So a lot of my clients say to me, I don't want to rehearse because I you know I want to keep it fresh. Well, that's fine. I think it can be used as an excuse sometimes. What actors do, of course, is they rehearse and rehearse and rehearse, and then when you go to see them, they look super relaxed because they make it look like it's the first time they've ever said it. And I've worked with people on town halls where they're doing the same presentation to different parts of their company, this kind of thing. And they say, but by the time the fourth time I've done it, it just feels I'm I'm bored by it. It's really about being present. A lot of confidence is about being in the moment and being present. If you give a speech and it goes well, you think I can try and recreate that, but actually you have to create it again from new.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

So even if we structure our speech and we do all our research and we've got everything that we want to say, sometimes I've heard speakers who stick to the script, but they don't really sound authentic or confident. What is it that they need? What's the extra they need?

SPEAKER_01 8:46

It's about being adaptable because maybe you look at the audience and you think, do you know what? I don't think the way I'm telling this is right today. Maybe I just need to give you the top line of it and not go into so much detail.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

So you're kind of reading the audience?

SPEAKER_01 8:58

You're reading the audience. It was this would be very true of an interview, wouldn't it? A job, you know, maybe where there's sort of three or four people around the table, you look around thinking they're not really getting this. Maybe my light-hearted joke that I had prepared is just wrong now. So I won't say that. So we do need to be adaptable. It may be you turn up for a pitch, for example, and suddenly as you walk in and they go, actually, we're running late. Uh give it to me in two minutes. What's your elevator pitch? And if you don't have that up your sleeve, you kind of go, ah, what you really want to be able to do is pop the laptop down and go, no problem at all. I'll tell you three reasons why you should buy a product. Anything can happen. The projector goes. Of course. And what happens if, say, somebody asks you a question that you weren't expecting? They say, What's your thought about this? Well, there's a very simple way to make yourself look confident, and that is to wait two seconds before you answer, the two-second pause. So if somebody says, What's your answer to this? Even if you know the answer straight away, if you say bang with the answer, it sounds like you don't really value the question. And it can make you look a bit arrogant or over-rehearsed, as we've said. But if somebody asks you a question, your face is saying, That's a good question. How do I phrase my answer in this situation in response to the way you've asked me? And then of course you come across as considered and confident.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

So what you're saying is have your set speech, know the general themes, but when you're in there, feel confident enough to be able to adapt. And when you're taking QA, be okay with pausing, saying, I don't know, or saying, actually, good question. Pause to think about it and deliver.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Because then you look considered, and if you look considered, you look confident. And of course, the more you do it, the more relaxed you are. If you go for one job interview a year or one job interview in 10 years, it's going to be big for you. Often when we're young, we think, well, you know, when I'm older, I get to feel more confident. Well, I've worked with senior management leaders in their maybe late 40s to late 50s, where suddenly, for all sorts of reasons, they're back in the job market again. They've always been on the nice side of the table, the person asking the question. Suddenly now they're on the challenging side of the table. And they say, Do you know what? I haven't answered a question, I haven't had to prove or justify myself for so long now that I feel like a schoolboy in front of the head teacher.

SPEAKER_02 11:03

Do you know? I was on the good side of the table recently, and this um he was about 56, and he'd always been in positions of great influence and power, but he was going for a non-executive role on a board. He was so nervous, he leaned back in the chair, arm over the edge of the chair. He was acting confident, but underneath it all, you could see that he was terrified. And I was confused. Well, clearly, he'd been in positions of great responsibility. So the key here is what when you're outside of your comfort zone or doing something new, you might have to use a bit of fake confidence. Can you appear to be confident when you're not really? I think I'm talking my own book here.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Yeah, no, well, there is that there is that fake it till you make it. There is definitely that. It's about being grounded. So, for example, we've done the prayer position one, which is basically when the nerves are taking you off, you pull yourself back again. I think the best way to make yourself feel grounded is a very simple breathing exercise. We've talked about this on other podcasts. Very simple, is you breathe into your lower stomach. And you can do this whilst you're waiting to speak or whilst you're waiting at a job interview, is you breathe in for a count of three, slowly and out for a count of three, three times, so 18 seconds, into your lower stomach. It slows your heart rate down, but it makes you feel grounded.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

If a person walks in the room, let's say they've done your breathing exercises and they've pushed the wall and they're walking out onto stage. There must be a fine line between walking out on stage and appearing grounded or arrogant.

SPEAKER_01 12:30

Arrogance is never attractive. Real confidence is attractive, but arrogance isn't. Because arrogance is a kind of I'm better than you. So we are more important.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

So we all know that scenario, don't we? Stranger walks into a restaurant, it's kind of hello, you know, I'm here. And she could be standing there waiting for the room to look at her.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

Or even talking to the Maitre D and going, I want my usual table when they haven't booked one, this kind of thing. And we're all sitting there thinking, we know you haven't booked. Please don't give her a table. So you're kind of wanting them to go, I'm so sorry, madam, or so sorry, sir, we don't have the table. And you kind of think, yes, you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

So what kind of person do we want to walk into that restaurant?

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Somebody who is comfortable in their own skin.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

And you can do these exercises that make you appear grounded.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Those are basically last-minute fixes. How you feel comfortable in your own skin is really 30 years of therapy, and we don't all necessarily, you know, we we have a short podcast today.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

I met somebody recently who, when I asked them a question, they said, I don't know. Have you ever come across that?

SPEAKER_01 13:29

Well, the I don't know is brilliant because what most people say is sorry, I don't know, or I shouldn't know. Really good question. Um, right, okay, no, I don't. Uh, but actually, if you say, I don't know, you're not saying I don't know anything, I therefore I'm stupid, or therefore I'm not clever enough. You just say, I don't know that.

SPEAKER_02 13:48

So you can be confident in the moment that you say, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Well, you're more confident by admitting it. You're less confident by bluffing sometimes, actually. Yeah. I've seen people bluffing, and you think, you know, that's we all bluff, Robin. No, of course we both of course we bluff to a certain extent, but sometimes it's actually really good to say, I don't know. Yeah, no. And there are certain words that can help us here as well. I've seen a lot of people when they're working on their speeches, they'll use the word just in the first sentence. So they'll say, I'm just gonna go through this. And it's like saying, I'm just gonna waste your time for the next five minutes. Not great. Much better to say, I'd love to tell you about this this morning. So there are certain words we can use that make us appear more confident as well.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

And that's in the writing of the script, and we go back to structure and well it is that, it's also the mindset.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

The mindset is I'm happy to be me, is what it really comes down to. Not in an arrogant way, but I don't have to prove anything. I'm enough.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Yeah. So what this whole podcast really comes down to is that you have to trust that you're enough.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

Yeah. And I remember when I was about 18, my younger brother and sister had tennis cups all over the house, and they were they were tennis players in the local county. And a friend of my mother's came around and said, Robin, look at all these cups. Where are your cups? And I said, My cups? I'm sorry, I don't have any cups. She said, What? You don't have any cups, no cups at all. And I said, No, no cups at all. And she said, Well, how does that make you feel? I said, Well, it makes me feel rubbish now you pointed it out. But actually, it made me think. And I went down with my pocket money the following week to the town, and I bought myself a small cup, like a classic little cup you might win from a club, you know, and it's got little black base and then maybe two inches high, little cup on it. And I had it engraved when I was 18. And it's, I think, probably my favourite possession now. It sits on our mantelpiece, as you know, and it's a little cup, and it's engraved, it says the Robin Cup. And then I thought, the Robin Cup for being what? For why? And I thought, the Robin Cup for being Robin. Not that it's saying that Robin is better than anybody else, it's just saying that's enough. So I think we should all have a cup saying the what's it cup for being what's it? If you have nothing to prove, you have nowhere to fall. When you see somebody pretending to feel confident and they slip up, they look foolish because the mask slips. If you don't have the mask, it can't slip. So there's nowhere to fall, and therefore, counterintuitively, you actually feel more confident.

SPEAKER_02 16:17

Robin, I think that's a really good place to finish and round up this podcast on being confident. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Well, thank you. And can I also say, Sian, you sounded very confident then.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Have you ever wished you could become a confident speaker or presenter? Then why not join my online masterclass? Speak so your audience will listen. In ten easy to follow modules, you can become a confident and authentic speaker.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

For more information, visit robincurmode.com